The Single Filez | romantic blog about date and dating

I’ve been thinking lately that maybe its time I open up and try something new. Obviously, whatever I’ve been doing in the past isn’t working for me. It is something that has been on my mind for awhile but when I saw the following tweet by @IamMercedez it confirmed what I was already thinking.

What if my problem is that who I’m attracted to isn’t who I’m supposed to be with? When I spoke with the dating expert and life coach last month they both asked me what my “type” was. For some reason (probably wanting to be “politically correct”?), I felt uncomfortable with being totally honest. The fact is that my “type” tends to be black guys. When walking down the street if I spot a hot guy, 9 times out of 10, he will be black or mixed race.

I went to a predominately white school and always had crushes on white boys as a kid. I won’t even start on how hugely obsessed I was New Kids On The Block as a child (who am I kidding, I still love them even as a 33yr old!) but those things aside, I can honestly say that I’ve not had a romantic relationship with a guy of the ‘caucasian persuasion’ as an adult. It’s just one of those things I guess.

I can’t help but wonder if like a Kenya McQueen, a character in a movie called ‘Something New’ that I watched recently, could be missing out?

Simon Baker and Sanaa Lathan as Brian and Kenya in Something New

In ‘Something New’ the character Kenya is urged on by her friends to try something new and to let go of her dream of the “ideal black man,” she goes a blind date with an architectural landscaper named Brian, only to cut the date short once she sees Brian is white. The two meet again at a party, and Kenya hires Brian to landscape her new home. I don’t want to ruin the film for you, so I’ll let you guess the rest. However, it was interesting to see how Kenya dealt with her own personal hang ups as well as those of her friends and family.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s no different to a guys having a preference for boobs rather than bums, or blondes rather than brunettes. I just happen to have a preference for black and brown skin. It’s what ‘does it’ for me. I can’t apologise for that!

However, I am absolutely aware that I’m not doing myself any favours by limiting myself and don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of white guys that I find attractive. Problem is… they are all famous hahaha! I find US actors Eddie Cibrian, Sean Faris, Hugh Jackman, Mark Wahlberg and Zac Efron (Yes. I’m aware he’s about a decade younger than me, but did you see 17 Again? Nuff said.) beyond hot! Oh, and I have to give an honourable mention to the UK’s own David Beckham (hubba hubba).

But, seriously. Have you seen Eddie Cibrian??

Eddie Cibrian *Swoon*

Isn’t he gorgeous? Here is another one, just because its my blog, and just because I feel like it….

Look at those dimples!

Now, the question is, how do I meet these guys? White guys don’t approach me and the places I tend to socialise at tend to have a predominately black crowd. I accept that my Mr Right could be black, white, yellow, green or purple but how will I know unless I’m open to it, right?

I have so much more to say on this subject but I’m interested to hear your thoughts. Have you dated outside of your own race? Do you have ‘a type’? Any tips, advice, suggestions? What do you think of Eddie Cibrian? Come on, I want to hear from you!

Tags: Dating Advice, General Dating, Interracial Dating, Relationships

After yesterday’s post from Simone of Skinny Dip in Toronto, today it’s time for me to head back home to London and bring my international guest blogger tour to a close with a post from The Hopeful Romantic. The lovely lady behind The Hopeful Romantic is yet another blogger who I’ve become friends with thanks to Twitter. I mean, hey, we’re two Londoners (I’m not a true Londoner, but ya get what I mean) in amongst a very ‘North American heavy’ dating blogger community – it’s only right we bond by occasionally getting together for cocktails/dinner/partying every once in a while, right?

Becoming A Hopeful Romantic

I was heartbroken.

After weeks of alternating between crying, exercising obsessively or lying in my bed staring at the ceiling I was desperate for some sort of change.  I needed to make some sort of sense of all of thoughts rushing around in my head so I started to write.  And write.  And write – about how I was feeling, about the dreams that I had had…about all of the things that I had meant to say to him that I had never got to and probably now never would.

My Blackberry became my constant companion and as such I would – at a moment – grab it and type down my thoughts …I wrote very little some days. Some days a lot. Some days not at all.   The writing didn’t minimise the tears or the sense of loss…but it was cathartic.

Then the suggestion to do something with all the things that I had been writing came from an unexpected source  - maybe I could help someone… it seemed like a good idea but how?  I couldn’t think how I would move forward with getting some of my musings out there so initially I did nothing.

Time went on and I gradually continued the process of coming back to myself and so ‘The Hopeful Romantic’ was born.

I made a decision fairly early on to remain anonymous as I wanted to blog about all aspects of relationships: with friends, with family and with significant others and I wanted to respect people’s privacy. Some of the things that I have written and will write will never be published. Some of the things I have written about have already left me fairly exposed but that is where I have gained comfort from anonymity. In the time that I’ve been blogging I’ve written about:

• The Early Days and  the aftermath of the end of a significant Relationship
• Domestic Violence
• Dealing with the death of a loved one
• Some of the fairytales we see around dating
• The ridiculous rebound situations people get themselves into
• Learning to truly love oneself

The validation that has come from people… the “I’ve been here too and here’s how I got through it” has been amazing.  But the BEST thing about blogging has been that I have been able to form and establish some great relationships with people that I probably never would have met. I feel through this that I have come across people who have shared similar experiences, who have shared worse experiences in love and in life and yet they have kept hope alive.  So my blog about relationships has lead to new relationships forming… I really feel like I’m a winner.

“May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.” – Anon

So I’ll sign off as I always do:

Keep Going!

#THR

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Have you thought about stopping writing the blog? If the blog was the reason for dating, what was the reason for the blog? Maybe blog about something else for a while?

Last week my Twitter bud Dan Austin ask me the questions above. After my most recent negative dating experience, I guess I’ve made it more than a little bit obvious that I’m not feeling too positive about dating right now.

Since my experience with East End Boy confirmed that I am stuck in a merry-go-round of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men, I can’t help wondering if there is any point in me dating. Rather than date guys for the sake of it, I think I need to take a step back and try figure out exactly why this pattern keeps occurring.

So, in answer to Dan’s questions above –  yes I have thought about stopping the blog. And yes, the blog was the reason for me pushing myself to date but the actual reason for my starting the blog was to have fun while getting myself back ‘out there’. The story goes…. I had given up on trying to find someone special and was living a happily single life, but through a work-related project I had the opportunity to speak with a dating expert and a life coach. The advice I received was helpful, but one thing that stuck in my mind was that I shouldn’t give up. I had to keep trying. I was reminded that when looking for a job, you don’t give up after the first rejection – you keep scouring job ads, you keep applying, you keep going for interviews and you stick at it – that was how I needed to approach dating. I was told that I had to be in it to win it. I was told that I should take the seriousness out of it and make it more fun. It was suggested that I should write a diary or even a blog. So hey, here I am.

The amazing thing. It’s been more about taking the seriousness out of dating. It’s given me the opportunity to learn more about myself and to look at how I can make things better. It’s given me a chance to become a part of an online community. I’ve met and become friends with people that I never otherwise would’ve gotten to meet. Blogging has become quite a big part of my life, and I don’t want it to stop. However, I’ve been thinking about how can I continue to be a dating blogger but without actually doing the ‘dating’ part?

In true ‘I’m addicted to the online community’ style, I asked the question on my Facebook page. A lovely lady called Adrien Bowman replied, ” You are still single… and that includes more than dating” and you know what? She’s completely right! From now on, I’m a ‘single blogger’ and not just a ‘dating blogger’. There’s so much more to me than just dating, don’t ya know

Therefore, the blog tagline has changed from ‘Dating in the beautiful city of London, it ain’t easy‘ to ‘Being single in the beautiful city of London, it ain’t easy‘. Still me, but with a slightly different flava…

Tags: General Dating, The Single Filez

Just over three weeks ago I decided I needed to ramp up my search and so decided to actually PAY for a dating website. I knew that if I was going to part with my hard-earned cash, I should go for eHarmony, one of the reputed best. Problem is, it’s nearly a month into my three month membership and I’m yet to find it enjoyable.

I’m guilty of having been slightly addicted to lesser dating sites in the past and I’ve now come to the conclusion that it’s because other dating sites are similar to man catalogues (if such things existed) and eHarmony isn’t. Unlike other dating sites, eHarmony doesn’t let me browse through pages and pages of men. It doesn’t give me the opportunity to flick through photo after photo to see who catches my eye. eHarmony is a site that does the picking on my behalf, which means I only get to see who they put in front of me. So far that has meant I haven’t come across many guys I find physically attractive.

Don’t get me wrong.  Looks arent the only thing of importance BUT they are what initially catches my attention. I don’t care for  good-looking dumb/cocky guys – if I see a good looking guy with a cheesy topless self-photo taken in the mirror, I’m like, NEEEEXT! – but like most people I need the initial physical attraction while also needing the profile to be able to back it up too.

How eHarmony Works

The registration process is looooonnng. Lots of people (including myself) are put off by the pages and pages of questions you have to answer to sign up to eHarmony. The meaning behind the questions is that you are sharing everything important about yourself; your likes and your dislikes. This is all part of the grand plan. Your answers will help create your personality profile and will of course be used as the basis upon how they determine your compatibility with their users. After you’ve answered the hundreds of questions, you can view your profile, make changes and do the fun part – add photos.

The ‘Match-y’ Bit

Apparently eHarmony uses 29 different dimensions to match you with different users. They start off by giving you an original set of matches that you can review and then you get daily emails when more matches are found.

The Communication Bit

Another looooonnng element of eHarmony is the guided communication bit. They think it’s key to ask all of the important questions early before you become too involved. Which, in a way, is a good thing. It makes sure you aren’t wasting your time! This is why there are three rounds of ‘guided communication’ before you speak to someone.The first round is ‘Getting To Know Eachother’, where you choose five questions to send your match, and vice versa. The second stage is where you send eachother your 10 ‘Must Haves’ and 10 ‘Can’t Stands’ and the third and final stage is the ‘Learn More About Eachother’ stage,  where you ask eachother open-ended questions. After all of this, you’re able to move onto the eHarmony Mail stage, if you wish.

I’m currently at the ‘Learn More About Eachother’ stage with a nice looking blonde guy (blonde is so not my usual type, but he sent me an ice breaker, he had a nice enough smile and a decent profile, so I’m rolling with it) and personally I’ve found the ‘guided communication’ process to be a bit of a drag but hey, that’s just me.

My lack of enthusiasm aside, I still have two months left to make the most of this opportunity. Seeing as I’m heading to New York soon, I’m thinking of changing my search settings to include guys from there. It could be an interesting way to spice up my dating life. and anything’s worth a try! After watching the video below, I’m more determined than ever to make my eHarmony experience a positive one.

(Thanks LifeByteStory for pointing me in the direction of this vid)

Tags: Dating Advice, Dating Websites, eHarmony, Online Dating, Singles

To court someone. Courting. Courtship.

What does it mean?

I remember the term being used by my Nan when she was alive. I remember her asking if my friend Matthew was ‘courting me’ – at the time I responded with an embarrassed sounding “Noooo” with the usual teenage petulant attitude (little did anyone know the things Matthew and I used to get up to when we weren’t watching Manga cartoons) but honestly, I didn’t know what she was talking about and I really still don’t know what it means.

Yes, I know it’s an old fashioned term for dating but is it the same thing as dating? If not, what exactly makes it different? Is it something we still do in 2010? How do we know if we’re just being taken out on a regular date or if we’re being ‘courted’?

It goes without saying that Google is my friend. I hardly ever ask a question these days without consulting my dear dependable search engine buddy first, and this is what I managed to find -

Courtship is the traditional dating period before engagement and marriage. During a courtship, a couple dates to get to know each other and decide if there will be an engagement. Usually courtship is a public affair, done in public and with family approval.

Considerations:

• I’ve been out with Older Guy six times and he’s definitely a lovely guy. Problem is, although I enjoy both his company and his kisses, I’m still not 100% sure about him. Not sure like I was about The Potential One after say… date number three.
• I had a major freak out when Older Guy invited me to his friends BBQ after only three dates but I admire the fact that it didn’t put him off inviting me to his friends 40th birthday party next week (I talked myself into saying yes, FYI).
• This week there was an incident (details to follow in a future blog post) that lead to us having discussion about ‘not dating other people’. The outcome of that convo was that we’ve now agreed we’re ‘officially only dating eachother’.

What exactly does this mean? And why does he keep wanting me to meet his friends? Are we ‘officially courting’? (See Wiki entry for ‘courting’ above and replace the second ‘engagement’ with ‘serious relationship’). What do you think?  Please share your thoughts…

Tags: General Dating, Relationships