Tag Archives: dating-rules

Can I Call Myself Celibate Yet?

7 Nov

Look up celibacy in the dictionary and you will see a photo of me looking right back at you. Big cheesy smile and everything. The Webster’s Dictionary definition of celibate is 1: an unmarried status. 2: abstaining from sexual relations. So, yep, I’m totally there on both counts.

 

Apparently I’m in good company because it seems the likes of  Lady Gaga, Lenny Kravitz, Peter Andre, Britney Spears and Colin Farrell consider themselves celibate too. I should make it clear, I’m not complaining about my current status because I know it’s own choice. I know that, at the end of the day, if  I really and truly just wanted to have sex I could go and find a willing participant in a club, bar, outside of my local KFC or by using the safest option – browsing through my Facebook friends list.

But, that’s not my style at all. I’m not sure if it means I’m part of an endangered species but, I’m someone who believes sex means more than that. Call it a bit of the ‘Charlotte York syndrome’ if you must but, I’m definitely a little ‘traditional’ when it comes to sex. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not saying that I want to wait to be married before I next knock boots with a guy (No Siree!) but what I am saying is that it’s gotta mean something. We don’t necessarily have to be deeply in love or anything but I’d prefer not to have to be chucking some random Tom, Dick or Harry out of bed halfway through the night because I can’t stand to see the sight of him.

Last year’s summer flings in Barbados aside, the only men I’ve had sex with have been guys I thought were going to be around for awhile. Guys, who at the time, I was seeing and generally spending lots of time with. On each occasion I thought it was going to be something that lasted, but it never did. More fool me, it was never more than a few months before something went wrong. So what has emerged from those experiences is a 33 year old who has never known what it’s like to experience sex within a long-term relationship.

I manage to get some here and sometimes get some there but mostly there tends to be a reeeeeaaaally long time in between hits. I’m talking 2 years and 7 months at the longest point (yikes!). I’m currently standing at 1 year and 3 weeks; is that long enough to call myself celibate? I think so. If not, surely I have the right to call myself a ‘born again virgin’?

Oh and I’ve never had a fuck buddy either. Never been in one of those ‘friends with benefits’ situations. I mean, sure, I have had a couple of ‘FWB’ offers over the years but I’ve never taken anyone up on it. I just don’t feel comfortable with the idea. Sheesh, maybe I’m actually more like Charlotte York than I’d like to admit?

“How can a person have really hot s-e-x with someone they don’t even like?”  Charlotte York, Sex And The City, 2002.


What are your thoughts? Am I missing out? Please do share your fuck buddy stories with me. Let me know, should I get with the ‘FWB programme’ or continue working on the great relationship I already have with my Rabbit? (PS – Can I still call myself celibate if I have sex with a rabbit? Answers on a postcard….)

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Book Review: Finding The Perfect Pair Of Jeans

7 Nov

A couple of weeks ago, Twitter friend JustSewTired suggested a book she thought I should read. As soon as I Googled it and saw that the author, Andrew G Marshall, is a marital therapist with RELATE – the UK’s leading counselling charity – I just knew that this was a book I needed to buy.

The cover blurb:

  • Are you tired of casual relationships and playing ‘the game’?
  • Do you want to settle down, but can’t seem to find the right person?
  • Have you just come out of a long term relationship, or had your heart badly broken?
  • Do you worry that nobody will love you again?

If any of this sounds familiar, you may have fallen into the Single Trap. You are not alone. For the first time ever, the number of single-person households in the UK us about to outnumber those with families.

In this book Andrew G Marshall draws on his 25 years experience to help readers to free themselves from the trap and to find ever lasting love (hmm, we shall see). I’ve only just started reading, but already I  am finding his take on ‘the single epidemic’ to be extremely interesting. He likened it to choosing the perfect pair of jeans. No really, he did!

An excerpt from the book:

Barry Schwartz, Professor of Social Theory and Social Action at Swarthmore College in Pennsylvania, believes that unlimited choice is just as bad as no choice and could be at the root of our high levels of unhappiness, dissactisfaction and depression. He got the idea for his groundbreaking book, The Paradox of Choice , when he went to buy some jeans. He had wornd out his old favourite pair and simply wanted to replace them. Instead, he was offered easy fit, relaxed fit, baggy or extra baggy. Did he want them stone-washed, acid-washed or distressed? the assistant asked.  While the professor looked at her blankly, she asked if he wanted zip or button fly and faded or regular. It is easy to laugh at an academic out of touch with fashion, but when it comes to dating we are in exactly the same dilemma. The internet provides almost endless choice – with countless dating sites each boasting thousands of members. If you are prepared to travel, there are literally millions of people waiting to meet you. Our gut instinct tells us that this is a good thing – surely, we are increasing our chances of a date. But could our guts be deceiving us?

Not only does unlimited choice make it harder to choose, it makes us believe that somewhere there is the perfect product. The assistant conferred with her colleague to try to decide what he meant by regular jeans, ‘you know, the kind that used to be the only kind’, and pointed him in the right direction. So far so good but Professor Schwartz began to wonder if one of the other options would be more comfortable, a better fit and ultimately look better on him. Somewhere in the piles of merchandise was a more desirable pair than the jeans in his hands. Previously when he had brought ‘regular’ jeans, they had become ‘perfect’ jeans as he wore the stiffness out of the fabric and they had given a little here and there and moulded to his body. It is the same with contemporary dating. We would like to believe that somewhere there is the ‘perfect’ partner, a soul mate with whom we can live harmoniously forever more. Unlike with the old-fashioned ‘regular’ partner, there will be no need for nasty rows or rough edges, but an immediate magical union. In reality, jeans and relationships have a lot in common. There is seldom and instant fit but, over time, we grow into both and before too long we would not wish to be parted from either.

I’m only 10 pages into the book but already I’m liking what I’m reading. It’s not great for reading on bus/train journeys because it involves ‘exercises’ that requires a notepad and a pen. I’ll be sure to report back once I’ve finished and will defin

 

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Mr Perfect vs Mr Good Enough

7 Nov

Following on from my last post, “Is ‘Nice’ Ever Enough” it got me thinking about the notion that the older we get the more we should give up on the idea of the perfect ‘Mr Right’ and just settle for the nice ‘Mr Good Enough’ instead.

A lot of women were up in arms after the book release of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. Lori, a 43 yr old single mother, believes that we should,

“Forget about the perfect 10 and look for the perfect 8″.

Gottlieb also says,

“Every woman I know – no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure – feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried.”

Personally, I’m not hugely fussed about marriage just yet (need to find a man first!), but the fact that I’ve past the age of 30 and I’m still single has not gone unnoticed by myself, my parents or my friends. My Dad is already hinting that he wants to be a grandfather *groan*. The “perfect 8″ Gottlieb says? Hmmm… maybe I need to realise that “nice” is not a bad thing at all. But the word “settling” sounds like something a loser would do. It sounds like making do with the booby price.

Mr Cheap, Mr Rude & Mr Jackass – Yep, I know them well!

“Italian Guy” was sweet, funny, not ugly and wants to go out again but yet because I didn’t get ‘that feeling’, because we didn’t have a ‘rom-com look into eachother’s eyes moment’, I didn’t come away from it feeling excited. Is this the ‘too fussy syndrome’ my Mum swears that I suffer from? Why can’t I be happy with someone who likes me and who is perfectly nice? I’ve met guys in the past with whom I’ve felt an intense attraction to and had sparks flying from day one but, where are those losers now eh? Exactly.

Maybe my “Mr Good Enough” is someone who isn’t my usual type? According to Andrea Syrtash, author of He’s Just Not Your Type (And That’s A Good Thing),

“women should widen their scope (and their ideal mate checklist!) and be open to meeting men outside of their comfort zone.”

I’m happy to say this is what I’ve been doing since I started this blog – dating guys I wouldn’t have previously. It’s early days yet, lets see if it makes a difference. Yes, I’d settle for a ‘nice guy’ over a ‘hot guy’, but settle for just anyone? Never.

Shemar Moore; totally my type.

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To Pay Or Not To Pay

7 Nov

To Pay Or Not To Pay… now, that is the question.

Paying for dating sites is a dilemma I’ve been faced with recently. As  you may have noticed its not something I like to do.  I had a free three month trial on My Single Friend last year and recently had a free week’s Lovestruck.com trial (ah, the perks of a dating blogger), but other than that I’ve spent most of my time on free dating website Plenty of Fish, which for the sake of my sanity, I recently decided to call it quits.

 

Call me cheap if you like, but personally, I like to think of it that I just prefer to spend my hard earned cash on other things. Saving up for holidays, buying clothes, eating out at nice restaurants, socialising with my friends… now that’s the stuff I don’t mind spending my money on.

 

Also, there’s a part of me that still can’t quite get my head around the fact that my life has gotten to the point where I have to PAY to find a date.  What happened to being able to get dates the ‘normal’ way? Things are really that bad that I have to pay to find someone who wants to go out with me? These feelings aside, unfortunately, my lack of meeting guys in the flesh has confirmed that although I think online dating sucks, recently it’s been the only way I’m able to get dates.

So, as a little experiment for myself more than anything, I’ve just signed up for 3 months membership on paid-for site eHarmony. I’ve heard many good things about eHarmony and I want to see if it lives up to the hype. Previously I’ve always been put off eHarmony because, at £35 a month, it’s one of the more expensive sites out there. Also the fact that the sign up process requires answers to pages and pages of questions AND the fact they don’t let you browse photos ahead of signing up were barriers to me. I mean, paying before even getting to see who is on the site – isn’t that like going into a shop and shelling out your cash on something before knowing what it looks or feels like?

Nevertheless, what’s that popular saying? “You get what you pay for?”. Well, maybe I need to accept that in this day and age paying to get dates is something I have to embrace, and if that’s the case, why not go all out and pay for one of the most successful and internationally known dating sites? Watch this space!

Disclaimer: I actually used the eHarmony 3 months for the price of 1 deal they have on at the mo, but whatevs ;-)

 

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eHarmony, So Far…

7 Nov

Just over three weeks ago I decided I needed to ramp up my search and so decided to actually PAY for a dating website. I knew that if I was going to part with my hard-earned cash, I should go for eHarmony, one of the reputed best. Problem is, it’s nearly a month into my three month membership and I’m yet to find it enjoyable.

 

I’m guilty of having been slightly addicted to lesser dating sites in the past and I’ve now come to the conclusion that it’s because other dating sites are similar to man catalogues (if such things existed) and eHarmony isn’t. Unlike other dating sites, eHarmony doesn’t let me browse through pages and pages of men. It doesn’t give me the opportunity to flick through photo after photo to see who catches my eye. eHarmony is a site that does the picking on my behalf, which means I only get to see who they put in front of me. So far that has meant I haven’t come across many guys I find physically attractive.

 

Don’t get me wrong.  Looks arent the only thing of importance BUT they are what initially catches my attention. I don’t care for  good-looking dumb/cocky guys – if I see a good looking guy with a cheesy topless self-photo taken in the mirror, I’m like, NEEEEXT! – but like most people I need the initial physical attraction while also needing the profile to be able to back it up too.

How eHarmony Works

The registration process is looooonnng. Lots of people (including myself) are put off by the pages and pages of questions you have to answer to sign up to eHarmony. The meaning behind the questions is that you are sharing everything important about yourself; your likes and your dislikes. This is all part of the grand plan. Your answers will help create your personality profile and will of course be used as the basis upon how they determine your compatibility with their users. After you’ve answered the hundreds of questions, you can view your profile, make changes and do the fun part – add photos.

The ‘Match-y’ Bit

Apparently eHarmony uses 29 different dimensions to match you with different users. They start off by giving you an original set of matches that you can review and then you get daily emails when more matches are found.

The Communication Bit

Another looooonnng element of eHarmony is the guided communication bit. They think it’s key to ask all of the important questions early before you become too involved. Which, in a way, is a good thing. It makes sure you aren’t wasting your time! This is why there are three rounds of ‘guided communication’ before you speak to someone.The first round is ‘Getting To Know Eachother’, where you choose five questions to send your match, and vice versa. The second stage is where you send eachother your 10 ‘Must Haves’ and 10 ‘Can’t Stands’ and the third and final stage is the ‘Learn More About Eachother’ stage,  where you ask eachother open-ended questions. After all of this, you’re able to move onto the eHarmony Mail stage, if you wish.

I’m currently at the ‘Learn More About Eachother’ stage with a nice looking blonde guy (blonde is so not my usual type, but he sent me an ice breaker, he had a nice enough smile and a decent profile, so I’m rolling with it) and personally I’ve found the ‘guided communication’ process to be a bit of a drag but hey, that’s just me.

My lack of enthusiasm aside, I still have two months left to make the most of this opportunity. Seeing as I’m heading to New York soon, I’m thinking of changing my search settings to include guys from there. It could be an interesting way to spice up my dating life. and anything’s worth a try! After watching the video below, I’m more determined than ever to make my eHarmony experience a positive one.

 

(Thanks LifeByteStory for pointing me in the direction of this vid)

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