The Single Filez | romantic blog about date and dating

Long time readers will remember that last summer I did Get The Guy’sSecrets of Attraction one day event and absolutely loved it. That day, I left knowing I would do the full Women’s Weekend as soon as I got the chance. That chance came last weekend.

I don’t want to give too much away, because I feel its the sort of thing you have to experience for yourself. I think its the sort of thing that effects you in your own personal way, depending on the reason you’re there. But, I’ll  share a few personal highlights with you…

I had a small group. Me and five other lovely ladies. Perfectly normal, attractive, intelligent, funny and friendly women. Women who, like myself, wanted to expand on the one day event and hear in more detail how to ‘find the guy, get the guy and keep the guy’. Day one kicked off with Matthew Hussey asking the room the same three questions:

1. What would you like to learn on this weekend?
2. What is holding you back?
3. Where do you see yourself in 3 months time?

Within the first half hour, Matt had us all digging deep and sharing personal thoughts. But this was nothing. By the end of the weekend, we all knew more about eachothers personal lives than some people know after knowing someone for years!  However, it was ok because we didn’t really know eachother and anyway, we all had our own issues  and hang ups to worry about. Actually, it was quite nice, because we all empathised with eachothers experiences and situations. My answers to the questions above were that I’d like to come away from the weekend having learnt how to approach men, how to make eye contact with men and how to look more open to having (the right type of) men approach me. I said that a lack of confidence was holding me back and I said that in 3 months time, if the tarot cards are to be believed, I would like to have met someone with potential.

At one point, Matt asked us to look into the future. He asked us to write down how we would feel if we hadn’t taken any action to get the love lives that we want. How would we feel in 6 months time if nothing has changed? How would we feel after our next birthday? How would we feel in five years? The thought of all that time passing and nothing have changed scared the living beejesus out of me. There’s nothing like the feeling of regret. Matt’s point was we’re in the present right now. We can do something about this NOW. Rather than look back and wish we had done something about it. If there was one exercise during the weekend that resonated with me, this was it.

It wasn’t all deep and emotional. It was fun and thought-provoking too. Matthew (who was still as amazing and as inspirational to listen to as he was last summer) and his crew of trainers: Mike, Rafael and John taught us how to flirt, how to turn boring standard conversations into fun memorable banter and to understand the different levels of self-confidence.

Day one ended with us ladies, plus four trainers (Mike, Raf, John and Kelvin), heading into central London to test out our newly aqcuired skills on unsuspecting men at a popular Soho bar. It wasn’t my usual type of spot, but it was all about getting practice. The theory was that we practice on the guys we’re not attracted to, so that it isn’t so hard when talking to a guy we ARE attracted to. I talked to plenty of guys. But that’s not my problem. Once I’m ‘in there’, I can talk, laugh, have fun conversation with random dudes. That’s never been my problem. It’s the whole ‘approaching a guy’ thing that lets me down. A couple of the women in the group walked up to and initiated conversation with close to twenty men. Me, I literally had to have the trainers kicking my arse, physically pushing me to speak to guys. Bless ‘em, they found ways to get the convo started for me (because I kept chickening out) but hey, I am still a work in progress. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Tags: Dating Tips, Get The Guy, Matthew Hussey, Relationships, Singles

After a very jam-packed day one,  day two of the Get The Guy Women’s Weekend kicked off with the trainers giving us feedback on how we performed the night before. Did we breakthrough any barriers? How many men did we speak to? Yada, yada, yada. I’m ashamed to say that I let myself down and didn’t approach any men whatsoever. Don’t get me wrong, I did speak to lots of men but only after someone else (a trainer, one of the other ladies) broke the ice first.  Even thought there  weren’t any guys in the bar that I fancied, I still didn’t have the guts to walk up to one and strike up a conversation from scratch.

The feedback I received from the trainers confirmed what I already knew, that I’m absolutely fine when speaking to men. They noticed I had no problem keeping a conversation flowing. They said I came across as confident, fun and engaging. They also said it doesn’t make sense because elements of my job are way more scary than approaching a random guy. I’ve worked with celebrities. I’ve met people whose work I admire. I’ve had to walk up to the likes of Will Smith, Tyrese, Paul Walker and John Legend and introduce myself. I’ve had to tell them where they need to be or who they need to speak to. The trainers  (very rightly so) said that to some people, introducing themselves to a celeb would be way more nervewracking than approaching ‘some dude’. Work is what I have to do. The trainers pointed out that if I wanted to see results in my love life, making more of a effort is something I have to do.

Other things covered in day two included:

Phone and text etiquette

Not as useless as you may think. I actually learned a few nice little gems here. Ones I’m not going to share because I plan to use them in the future…. *wink*

Fake dates

A speed dating exercise in the hotel bar. The trainers gave us feedback on how we came across in a date situation. I’m chatty, smiley, fun and engaging but I failed on one thing, I  sat opposite my one of my dates when I should have sat next to him. Doh!

Where to ‘find the guy’

There are more opportunities to meet guys out there than we realise. This was a cool exercise that showed us that we’re limiting ourselves. We need to open our eyes and realise the ‘right guy’ can be anywhere and everywhere.

How to ‘keep the guy’

This is the part I always fall down on. I can attract the guys, date the guys but I can never keep the guys. This section took an interesting look at the major factors that can make a relationship fall to pieces before it even gets started. I’ll go into this one further in a future blog post methinks.

While I found that the Women’s Weekend is a great chance for any woman who wants more success in her love life to learn some tips, skills, techniques and some mindsets to take her love life forwards. I do  think that the real test comes AFTER the weekend, when we have to put in the hard work to make sure  the tips we’ve learnt doesn’t go to waste. Only time will tell, eh?

Tags: Dating Tips, Get The Guy, Matthew Hussey, Relationships, Singles

I can’t deny it. I’m unashamedly in love in New York City. My fascination with that city is like nothing I’ve experienced before. Some might say it’s unhealthy, but I have nothing but a big fat *pokes tongue out* to say to those people. So what if I know all of the streets and their directions, so what if I sometimes sit at home ‘walking’ the streets of Manhattan on Google Street View. That’s absolutely normal behaviour, isn’t it? Ahem.

I’ve visited NYC four times in my life. The first time I was only 11 and I stayed with family in Queens. I was 22  when I stayed with a friend’s family in Long Island and Brooklyn, but it wasn’t until my third trip at the age of 29 that I finally got to experience staying on the island on Manhattan and that’s when my extreme obsession kicked in. During what was my fourth trip to the city, my solo trip to New York last summer, I stayed on 5th Avenue (at 35th St) and I had THE best time ever. In fact, I was utterly totally pissed when it was time for me to leave. It’s strange. I travel to different places all the time but, unlike other cities/countries I’ve visited, I always leave New York feeling that my love affair with the city hasn’t ended yet.

I’ve previously blogged/tweeted about my love of New York based chick-flicks. To some people Paris is the city of love, but to me its all about The Big Apple. Strolling along holding hands in Central Park, eating brunch at a sidewalk cafe in trendy NoLita, sitting at Pier 17 in the blazing sun eating hot dogs and drinking ice cold beer while gazing out over the Lower Manhattan waterfront….*le sigh*.  For some unknown reason I feel that my dating life would be a million times better if I lived in New York. A romanticised deluded case of ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’ syndrome, perhaps? Yeah maybe, but that doesn’t stop me fantasising.

Over the past week, watching Christmas/new year movies on TV such as 13 Going on 30, Enchanted and Three Men and a Baby, I of course realised they were all based in New York. This set me off on one of my NYC-based tweeting sprees, (not the first, I admit) except this one ended up turning into a full blown conversation between me and Twitter peeps.  The conversation went a lil something like this…

Firstly – Ha! It’s not just my imagination then. Men in New York DO make more of an effort to approach women than they do here in London. If there is anyone who would know, it’s dating blogger @SingleGalNYC, a native New Yorker who completed an awesome European Dating Blitz last summer.

Secondly – Maybe, the key to me being able to make eye contact with men here in London is for me to adopt that vacation mode. For me to be more open and more chilled out. For me to do more looking up and looking around while taking in my surroundings. Less of my head is down, my eyes are straight ahead,  I’m listening to my ipod, I’m reading a newspaper, I’m in a rush to get somewhere behaviour that I’m oh-so-guilty of doing here at home.

Thirdly – I’m so glad that @SingleGalNYC pointed out the way men approach women can vary across Europe. European countries being lumped together as one is a huge pet peeve of mine. Europe is full of many countries, many languages and many cultures and customs. Just Sayin’…

Tags: New York, Twitter

As mentioned yesterday, things are going to be a bit different around here this week. To celebrate my one year blogaversary,  instead of my usual one or two posts, there will be a ‘week of international guest posts’. Not only does it give me a little break (yay!), but it also gives me a chance to showcase some of the kick-ass bloggers I’ve discovered over the past year. Kicking off the proceedings is the lovely Helene aka The Man-shopper. Originally from California, Helene ran away to the East Coast of the US for college, rashly bought a one-way ticket to England to be with a boy, and has been an expat ever since.

An American In Paris

Hello, Single Filez readers!  Helene the Man-shopper here, reporting from Paris…

I’ve noticed that most non-parisian singletons (and non-singletons, for that matter), seem to have romanticized, idealistic and almost love-struck ideas about Paris as the most romantic city in the world.

Is this really true?

Yes and no.

Yes, Paris is a beautiful city.  Its architecture, its history, its culture, and its cultural scene all undoubtedly lend it a certain romantic aura.  It oozes so much beauty that one is led to believe that this beauty penetrates all areas of parisian life.  For most people, this is enough.  After a few days, three months, a year, and sometimes two, they leave convinced.

However, no, in the realm of actual romance, Paris is a city full of miserable people.  (Female) singletons past the age of 25 are assumed to be fundamentally flawed in some way.  Parisian women are constantly suspicious of their men’s behavior, and parisian men constantly complain about their cold, nagging women.

***Disclaimer, I am obviously making gross generalizations about the parisian scene.  I recognize this, and I am okay with this.  Deal with it ***

From my observations and from what my French friends have told me, most parisian couples have more or less followed the same trajectory in order to arrive in their committed relationships.

In their high school and/or college years, they ran around with the same group of friends.  Eventually, people within these groups begin to pair off into couples.  By their mid-twenties, they are in committed relationships or even marriages with these people.

In other words, people here don’t date.  They don’t have a word for a date.  Or dating.  One minute, they are having rendez-vous with someone, and the next minute, they are an item.  There is nothing in between.  There is no trial period.  No buts, no cuts, no takebacksies.

And since they paired off so young, and since they didn’t have much “dating” (in the anglophone sense of the word) experience, it is not long after this point that eyes begin to wander.  The men cheat every chance they get.  The women let it slide as long as they don’t know.  This continues indefinitely, through marriage, through divorce, through another marriage….

Not very romantic, no?

I started my blog partly as a form of therapy to ward off bitterness and possible homicidal tendencies, and partly as an attempt to spread the word that romance in Paris may indeed be a myth — a myth created by transients who never stayed long enough to know any better and by the miserable stayers who wove lies in order to make themselves feel better about being stuck here.

I’ve been in Paris for five years, and since coming here, my romantic encounters have featured:

- exotification and unacknowledged racism

- some alarmingly unprogressive views about women and femininity

- harassment and physical assault in the street that goes well beyond catcalls

- shocking disregard for principles that I value: fidelity, honesty, maturity and general respect

It’s okay.  I suppose that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.

The French are unequaled in their ability to make crusty bread and croissants that will melt in your mouth.

But I can tell you right now that you’d be hard-pressed to find a decent carrot cake in this city.

And don’t even get me started on the burger situation here.

———————————————————————————————–

Check out Helene’s blog ‘Man-shopping in Paris‘ and follow her on Twitter @man_shopper

Tags: Anniversary, Bloggers, Paris