The Single Filez | romantic blog about date and dating

Look up celibacy in the dictionary and you will see a photo of me looking right back at you. Big cheesy smile and everything. The Webster’s Dictionary definition of celibate is 1: an unmarried status. 2: abstaining from sexual relations. So, yep, I’m totally there on both counts.

Apparently I’m in good company because it seems the likes of  Lady Gaga, Lenny Kravitz, Peter Andre, Britney Spears and Colin Farrell consider themselves celibate too. I should make it clear, I’m not complaining about my current status because I know it’s own choice. I know that, at the end of the day, if  I really and truly just wanted to have sex I could go and find a willing participant in a club, bar, outside of my local KFC or by using the safest option – browsing through my Facebook friends list.

But, that’s not my style at all. I’m not sure if it means I’m part of an endangered species but, I’m someone who believes sex means more than that. Call it a bit of the ‘Charlotte York syndrome’ if you must but, I’m definitely a little ‘traditional’ when it comes to sex. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not saying that I want to wait to be married before I next knock boots with a guy (No Siree!) but what I am saying is that it’s gotta mean something. We don’t necessarily have to be deeply in love or anything but I’d prefer not to have to be chucking some random Tom, Dick or Harry out of bed halfway through the night because I can’t stand to see the sight of him.

Last year’s summer flings in Barbados aside, the only men I’ve had sex with have been guys I thought were going to be around for awhile. Guys, who at the time, I was seeing and generally spending lots of time with. On each occasion I thought it was going to be something that lasted, but it never did. More fool me, it was never more than a few months before something went wrong. So what has emerged from those experiences is a 33 year old who has never known what it’s like to experience sex within a long-term relationship.

I manage to get some here and sometimes get some there but mostly there tends to be a reeeeeaaaally long time in between hits. I’m talking 2 years and 7 months at the longest point (yikes!). I’m currently standing at 1 year and 3 weeks; is that long enough to call myself celibate? I think so. If not, surely I have the right to call myself a ‘born again virgin’?

Oh and I’ve never had a fuck buddy either. Never been in one of those ‘friends with benefits’ situations. I mean, sure, I have had a couple of ‘FWB’ offers over the years but I’ve never taken anyone up on it. I just don’t feel comfortable with the idea. Sheesh, maybe I’m actually more like Charlotte York than I’d like to admit?

“How can a person have really hot s-e-x with someone they don’t even like?”  Charlotte York, Sex And The City, 2002.

What are your thoughts? Am I missing out? Please do share your fuck buddy stories with me. Let me know, should I get with the ‘FWB programme’ or continue working on the great relationship I already have with my Rabbit? (PS – Can I still call myself celibate if I have sex with a rabbit? Answers on a postcard….)

Tags: Celibacy, Holiday romance, Relationships, Sex, Sex And The City, Singles

Slightly off topic I know, but, HAPPY MONTHIVERSARY to meeee! Ignoring the few random posts I did last year, The Single Filez  blog didn’t really and truly kick off until exactly a month ago along with my Twitter page and, what a month it’s been eh? Ok, admittedly, I still haven’t been on a date yet (and that is kinda the whole point) BUT I have been exposed to a whole new ‘world of dating’ that I didn’t know existed. Thanks to Twitter I’ve discovered lots of interesting, funny, sweet like-minded people many of whom are in the same boat as me. Also, I went a singles event courtesy of Sitting In A Tree and just yesterday I was included in We Love Dates Top Dating Bloggers on Twitter List (click here to see the list). Not bad for a month’s worth of work eh? Now, all I need are some actual dates!

So, back to the matter at hand, this week’s dating update. Obviously, there’s the date with the 25 year old (see Friday’s post to do some swotting up), but even this is proving to be a pain. We haven’t managed to put a date in the diary yet, he lives and works in Basingstoke and only comes to London on the weekends but is busy for the next couple of weekends…. blah blah blah. I found myself losing interest with each text message. Too much hard bloody work! When/if he feels he can slot me in, we’ll take it from there.

Other than that, I’ve got a few conversations happening over at Plenty of Fish and I’ve revived my DatingDirect.com membership so have a few conversations going on over there too.

A bit bored of all this talking online to be honest. I’ve licked all my wounds from last year’s dating disasters and now I’m finally ready to dip my toes back into the dating pool. Question is, do I just do ahead and accept date offers from guys I’m not initially attracted to? I need content for this blog godammit!

I’ve gotten to the point where I’m thinking of  just lining up dates specifically so that I can blog about them. It’ll be fun,  right?  It’ll give me stories to share, it might open me  up to guys I wouldn’t normal consider AND who knows… I might find Mr Right in the process? What do you think? A good idea? Too harsh? Should I just be more patient? Please do comment share your thoughts…

Tags: General Dating, Online Dating, Relationships, Singles

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”. Nice little saying, that. Not sure where exactly it comes from but I do like it. Only thing is, it doesn’t explain what happens when you fool me, THREE times. That’s exactly what I allowed East End Boy to do.

I can now come clean and admit that East End Boy got back in touch with me a few weeks ago. Typically, not too long after I decided that there wasn’t much point in me dating for the foreseeable future, he got back in touch. There I was, minding my own business, when I got a text from him;

“Hey Missy. Hope you’re well. Funny thought of you today, don’t really know what happened between us. Anyway, hope you’re cool and had a great weekend with your family”

I was surprised to hear from him in the first place but also surprised that a) he said he ‘really didn’t know what happened between us’ and that b) he remembered I had a big family occasion coming up. I didn’t reply right away. I was busy with family, after all. I replied a couple of days later saying;

“Hi ‘East End Boy’. Isn’t it funny how people can interpret the same thing in completely different ways? You say you don’t really know what happened between us, whereas I just thought you didn’t return my calls and didn’t get in touch when we had plans a few Fridays back.  Thanks for remembering the family event”

Then followed a text conversation where he admitted that he thought I wasn’t ‘into’ him because on our second date, when he said he wanted to see me again just two days later, I commented on the fact that it was ‘just two days later’. He also thought that because I ended up  ”cancelling” on him that also meant I wasn’t feeling him. He said he wasn’t ignoring me, but giving me space. He didn’t want to be ‘that guy’ who wanted to see me more than I wanted to see him.

I understood him not wanting to be that eager-beaver, keen-bean type of guy, he was obviously more sensitive than I had realised. However, me merely commenting on the fact we were making plans only two days after we’d last seen eachother, was hardly me saying “Urgh, only two days away, that’s far too much” (which is obviously what he heard in his head). Also, I DIDN’T CANCEL ON HIM. I had double booked myself  but said I’d do both – see my friends and see him too. But no, HE was the one who said it wouldn’t be enough time and that we should move our date to the Friday. Does that sound like me cancelling on him? Or does that sound like him re-arranging the day of the date? I thought it was a weak excuse. Also, none of that explains why he didn’t return my calls. If he thought I wasn’t into him and then why the hell did he think I was calling him?

I wasn’t getting the answers to those questions via our text conversation. All I was getting was that he was truly sorry for ignoring my calls and that he still really wanted to see me. After pow wowing with a couple of friends… “meet him and hear what he has to say”, “don’t cut of your nose to spite your face”, “everyone deserves a second chance”… I made plans to go out with him again.

Except, it didn’t happen. Again. Twice.  We made plans to go out, except it was on a day where he was out of London visiting Leeds and he got back far too late for us to go anywhere. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and made plans to go out a couple of Friday ago, except he text me at the last minute (an hour before we were due to meet) to say his niece had gone into hospital, so he couldn’t make it.

I wouldn’t wish an ill relative on anyone (if that was even the truth) but y’know… that was the last straw. That’s now three times I had planned to go out with him for it to not happen. There’s giving someone a chance (or two), and there’s letting someone take the absolute piss.

Fellas, if you’re telling a woman that you’re interested in her, this is not the way to show it. Just sayin’.

Tags: General Dating, Men, Singles, Stupid men

I look young for my age but I don’t always see it as the wonderful thing everyone else thinks it is. I will appreciate my youthful looks when I’m 50 and I finally look 30, but for now I find it frustrating to have to constantly prove  myself to people; whether it’s the sales assistant at my local Tesco (who is usually younger than me) or the doorman at a nightclub, I am repeatedly having to whip out ID to prove that I am an adult.  Sometimes would be flattering but all of the time feels insulting. I often find myself wanting to scream “FOR PETE’S SAKE, I AM A GROWN-UP – WITH A MORTGAGE AND EVERYTHING!”.

Another downside is that I tend to attract younger men. I know it’s not necessarily a bad thing but considering the fact I’ve never experienced a long term relationship, there’s a chance this may not necessarily be a good thing either. I don’t often attract older men (which is why I was so excited about dating Older Guy last summer) and to prove this theory, the only guys who hit on me while I was in New York were guys who were at least ten years younger than me. When I mentioned on Twitter and on my Facebook page that I was asked out by a 25 year old cutie-pie, the responses went a little something like this…

“….and the problem is?”

“Nothing wrong with going after the pups.”

“I”ve dated up to 13 years older…so why discriminate against someone younger. Why discriminate against someone younger. If someone is lacking in the mental faculties their age will make little difference. Age doesn’t equate to maturity.”

“10 years is fine! Especially if he is cute “

And cute he was. Cute enough for me to ask if he had any older brothers! I know of the “age ain’t nothing but a number” saying but in this particular case he was definitely too young for my tastes. Putting the fact that he was 25 aside, he was dancing around the shop he worked at in a showy-off kind of way (NYC’ers, get 2 pairs of Converse for only $75 at ‘Get Set’ on 8th Ave  & 34th St – bargain!),  and had that young boy look going on – big ol’ baseball hat, big ol’ baggy t-shirt and way too saggy jeans. I just can’t work with that.

On the flip side, the guy I came away from my ten nights in NYC feeling the most excited about was a friend of a friend who showed me that it’s more about who you are rather than about the number that is attached to you. He was only 24 but has a job that allows him to travel around the world (he was a Londoner in NYC for work) and we had things in common (background, music tastes). All evening it felt like we ‘vibed’ really well. I knew that we were sitting closer to eachother than we needed to. I liked feeling that he was stuck to my side. I enjoyed being more touchy-feely then we need to be. It felt like there was potential there and it was a nice feeling. It was the most flirty I had been in AGES and to top it off… it was with a 24 year old!!!

The moral of this story – I need to stop limiting myself. I realise that because of my looks, it’s more likely that my Mr Right is going to be younger than me. What I need to do is embrace it and be more open minded. If it works for Mariah, Demi and Madonna, I sure bloody can make it work for me.

Next stop, Cougar Town!

Tags: Cougarism, General Dating, New York

When I was 23 I made a pact with myself that if I was still single by the age of 30, I would have artificial insemination. Here I am at 33 and now I’ve put it off until 35! Well, not really, but I think that by the time 35 comes around if I’m still single there will be some serious panicking going on. We’re all used to hearing the experts saying that fertility sharply decreases as we reach our mid-thirties. Apparently between the ages of 30-35 the chances of getting pregnant is 15% falling to 5% at age 40. eeek. For me this is made worse by the fact that at my age, in MY family, its strange I don’t have children. My Mum had me when she was 19. My younger sister had my nephew at the age of 21. My female cousins (younger and older) all have kids and then… there is me. No pressure or anything, sheesh!

THE BACK-UP PLAN

So a couple of weeks ago when I received an invite to attend a screening of ‘The Back-Up Plan’, the new Jennifer Lopez movie, I did a bit of research and as soon as I saw the plot of the movie it struck a cord with me right away. If only they knew they’d just sent an invite to a woman who has seriously looked at those ‘insemination seminar’ ads on the tube (seriously, I have!). The plot involves Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) who has everything – great job, great friends – but still hasn’t managed to find her Mr Right (cough, cough – sound like anyone we know?). Worried about her biological clock, she decides to take matters into her own hands and gets artificially inseminated. On the very same day, things start to go wrong, as her ‘perfect plan’ gets messed up when she meets Stan (the drool-worthy Alex O’Loughlin) who she very soon realises could actually be ‘The One’. Amazingly she becomes pregnant on her first try and what we see for the rest of the film is how Zoe and Stan cope with a new relationship at the same time as trying to deal with the ups and downs (and responsibility) of the pregnancy.

I had seen quite a few bad reviews before seeing this film but that stuff usually never bothers me anyway. I always prefer to see films and come to my own conclusions, thank you very much! That said, I wasn’t expecting too much of The Back-Up Plan, but I’m surprised to say I enjoyed it. In fact, I really really liked it! Obviously it was helped by the fact that Alex O’Loughin is beyond HOT (see pic below). My gaaaaad, he was SO gorgeous it was actually hard to concentrate on the movie at times. No word of a lie!

Ok, so yes it isn’t going to win an Oscar, yes it is a typical rom-com, yes it was a bit predictable and yes, everyone was ridiculously good-looking (mmmm Alex O’Loughlin) but you know what? It was sweet, full of laugh out loud moments (the water-birth scene is hilarious!), had likeable characters and I’m told some quite true pregnancy anecdotes. Me personally, I’m a total sucker for a good rom-com anyway and The Back-Up Plan just like many of my faves is based in New York (Hitch, How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days, Sex And The City, Brown Sugar, Maid In Manhattan – I rest my case) and it has inspired me to add ‘Gray’s Papaya’ to my list of places to visit when I hit NY in June (you have to have seen it to get it!).

Has The Back-Up Plan changed my view on possibly relying on artifical insemination in the future? Nah, I don’t think so, I mean who in their right mind believes that guys like “Stan” just happen to jump into their taxi and change their life forever? (Cue me trying to meet guys in yellow taxis in June). However, it has made me even more determined to find my own Mr Right to settle down and have beautiful babies with, whether he looks like Alex O’Loughlin or not!

The search continues eh?

(Thanks to Sony Pictures UK and Way To Blue for a great evening out!)

Tags: Alex O’Loughlin, Artificial Insemination, Biological clock, Celebs, General Dating, Jennifer Lopez, Single woman, The Back-Up Plan