The Single Filez | romantic blog about date and dating

I haven’t had a guest blogger since my one year blogaversary week of international guest posts back in April. It’s been a long time coming but the timing on this one couldn’t be any more perfect. To combat all of the anti-dating talk I’ve been doing lately, here’s the lovely Liz from We Love Dates sharing her story…

We at We Love Dates love Ms. Single Filez and her blog.  When I found out she wasn’t so much loving the dates right now, I completely sympathized.  I am the editor for a dating website for the love of god, I am supposed to LOVE DATES. However, it wasn’t always like that.

Last year around this time, I took a break from dating.  I removed all my online dating profiles, and deleted a bunch of numbers from my phone.  I was burned out, and completely over it. After meeting man after man,  I was losing faith in the male species. Dating wasn’t making me feel good, and life is hard enough.

Since I was no longer spending countless hours online maintaining my online dating profiles, or going out on dates, I found myself with a lot of free time.  I wish I could tell you I spent my time by volunteering at a charity, or saving the world.  Nah.  Instead, I was a little bored, and I felt a little bit lost.  Usually, when I needed a boost, or didn’t want to stay home on a Friday night, I’d hop online and set up a date.  I realized that dating had become a mindless time filler.

Instead, I watched a lot of T.V, hung out with friends and family, worked out at the gym and found myself again – take that Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love!  I didn’t even have to go to Italy!

I began un-hiding my profiles online.  Instead of trying to meet as many men as possible in an effort to “give everyone a chance”, I dated selectively.  I didn’t allow myself to feel pressured in meeting in real life if I was unsure.  I evaluated my dating habits and put a stop to behaviors and patterns that would ultimately end with me sad and hurt.  I also began smiling back at guys at the gym, or sparking a conversation with the hottie behind me in line at Starbucks.

I didn’t sit down one day and declare my dating ban lifted.  I think as humans, we crave affection and butterflies in our tummy and all the good, cheese-ball stuff that goes along with dating.  When I was ready, I allowed dating back into my life, but I no longer made it my life.

My advice to anyone feeling burned out by the dating game is to take a break, have some fun and relax.  Drink some wine with your girls.  Hang out with your puppy and your DVR for a night. Remember that the option to date will always be there.

Whatever you do, take the pressure off yourself.  I think we forget all the positives that come with being single…it’s really pretty fabulous.

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We Love Dates is an online dating website & dating advice blog for singles in the UK, Ireland, US, Canada, South Africa & Australia.  Liz blogs (and vlogs!) about all things online dating, love, sex and relationships.  Follow We Love Dates on Twitter, and get friendly with them on Facebook.  

Tags: Dating Advice, Dating Websites, Online Dating, Singles, We Love Dates

Over the course of the past few months, at regular intervals, I’ve been posting the really bad messages I get on POF (PlentyOfFish.com) on Twitter. The messages are actually so bad they’re good. So bad that they often make me giggle. So bad that I’m guilty of breaking out the POF inbox when having cocktail based nights-in with my girlfriends. Most would break out the DVDs or photo albums, but not me, I break out my laptop. A POF inbox makes for an interesting evenings worth of entertainment, especially when you’re already giggly thanks to too many homemade alcolic beverages.

In the past I’ve been told the messages I share on Twitter are turning me into somewhat of a comedian, but the thing is, I really can’t take all of the credit… the credit must go to the many ‘delightful’, ‘flattering’ and ‘oh so articulate’ men who insist on sending me such comical messages.

Fellow blogger The Hopeful Romantic suggested I should do a blog post on the many cringe worthy messages I’ve received. I once (way back in the day) wrote a post on My Online Dating Pet Peeves, but this is different. Today’s post is dedicated, solely, to the ‘Messages on POF’.

Please do bear in mind, these are all real honest-to-goodness messages I have received on POF. They are all first time messages, so I guess they can be classed as introductions. I have not tampered with any, no editing has been done whatsoever and they appear in full.  I have not changed any spelling, grammar or exaggerated anything for entertainment purposes. These guys are really just this abrupt, really this slimy and really this clueless – with no help from me.

I hope they bring you as much amusement (or should that be bewilderment?) as they have brought me…

• “you put some nice pics on your profile, it will be good to go out on a date with you, we we will have much to talk about!”
• “your smile is doing it honey “
• “i like u”
• “you look hot”
• “how u doing gergous?xxx”
• “Hi how are you? you are very nice, ciao”
• “hey u r a scorpio, u nice !!!”
• “hoii ya looking great as usual”
• “you look gorgeous and i like you”.
• “you’re a cutie “
• “Text me, 079xxx xxxxxxx”
• “Morning Cheeky”
• “hiya, u’ve got quite an admirable appearance i must say; certainly the looks of a black queen! regrettably, cant help sounding rather flattery or being perceived as disingenuous, but i’m being honest as i possibly can, from just gazing at your photos posted here. hoping my guess is not quite far from d real you!!”

I guess these guys think their messages are somehow flattering but does anyone else find it funny (or, ahem, scary) that grown men seem to think it’s okay to approach a woman like this?

Tags: Dating Websites, Online Dating, Plenty Of Fish

When I was 23 I made a pact with myself that if I was still single by the age of 30, I would have artificial insemination. Here I am at 33 and now I’ve put it off until 35! Well, not really, but I think that by the time 35 comes around if I’m still single there will be some serious panicking going on. We’re all used to hearing the experts saying that fertility sharply decreases as we reach our mid-thirties. Apparently between the ages of 30-35 the chances of getting pregnant is 15% falling to 5% at age 40. eeek. For me this is made worse by the fact that at my age, in MY family, its strange I don’t have children. My Mum had me when she was 19. My younger sister had my nephew at the age of 21. My female cousins (younger and older) all have kids and then… there is me. No pressure or anything, sheesh!

THE BACK-UP PLAN

So a couple of weeks ago when I received an invite to attend a screening of ‘The Back-Up Plan’, the new Jennifer Lopez movie, I did a bit of research and as soon as I saw the plot of the movie it struck a cord with me right away. If only they knew they’d just sent an invite to a woman who has seriously looked at those ‘insemination seminar’ ads on the tube (seriously, I have!). The plot involves Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) who has everything – great job, great friends – but still hasn’t managed to find her Mr Right (cough, cough – sound like anyone we know?). Worried about her biological clock, she decides to take matters into her own hands and gets artificially inseminated. On the very same day, things start to go wrong, as her ‘perfect plan’ gets messed up when she meets Stan (the drool-worthy Alex O’Loughlin) who she very soon realises could actually be ‘The One’. Amazingly she becomes pregnant on her first try and what we see for the rest of the film is how Zoe and Stan cope with a new relationship at the same time as trying to deal with the ups and downs (and responsibility) of the pregnancy.

I had seen quite a few bad reviews before seeing this film but that stuff usually never bothers me anyway. I always prefer to see films and come to my own conclusions, thank you very much! That said, I wasn’t expecting too much of The Back-Up Plan, but I’m surprised to say I enjoyed it. In fact, I really really liked it! Obviously it was helped by the fact that Alex O’Loughin is beyond HOT (see pic below). My gaaaaad, he was SO gorgeous it was actually hard to concentrate on the movie at times. No word of a lie!

Ok, so yes it isn’t going to win an Oscar, yes it is a typical rom-com, yes it was a bit predictable and yes, everyone was ridiculously good-looking (mmmm Alex O’Loughlin) but you know what? It was sweet, full of laugh out loud moments (the water-birth scene is hilarious!), had likeable characters and I’m told some quite true pregnancy anecdotes. Me personally, I’m a total sucker for a good rom-com anyway and The Back-Up Plan just like many of my faves is based in New York (Hitch, How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days, Sex And The City, Brown Sugar, Maid In Manhattan – I rest my case) and it has inspired me to add ‘Gray’s Papaya’ to my list of places to visit when I hit NY in June (you have to have seen it to get it!).

Has The Back-Up Plan changed my view on possibly relying on artifical insemination in the future? Nah, I don’t think so, I mean who in their right mind believes that guys like “Stan” just happen to jump into their taxi and change their life forever? (Cue me trying to meet guys in yellow taxis in June). However, it has made me even more determined to find my own Mr Right to settle down and have beautiful babies with, whether he looks like Alex O’Loughlin or not!

The search continues eh?

(Thanks to Sony Pictures UK and Way To Blue for a great evening out!)

Tags: Alex O’Loughlin, Artificial Insemination, Biological clock, Celebs, General Dating, Jennifer Lopez, Single woman, The Back-Up Plan

As mentioned yesterday, things are going to be a bit different around here this week. To celebrate my one year blogaversary,  instead of my usual one or two posts, there will be a ‘week of international guest posts’. Not only does it give me a little break (yay!), but it also gives me a chance to showcase some of the kick-ass bloggers I’ve discovered over the past year. Kicking off the proceedings is the lovely Helene aka The Man-shopper. Originally from California, Helene ran away to the East Coast of the US for college, rashly bought a one-way ticket to England to be with a boy, and has been an expat ever since.

An American In Paris

Hello, Single Filez readers!  Helene the Man-shopper here, reporting from Paris…

I’ve noticed that most non-parisian singletons (and non-singletons, for that matter), seem to have romanticized, idealistic and almost love-struck ideas about Paris as the most romantic city in the world.

Is this really true?

Yes and no.

Yes, Paris is a beautiful city.  Its architecture, its history, its culture, and its cultural scene all undoubtedly lend it a certain romantic aura.  It oozes so much beauty that one is led to believe that this beauty penetrates all areas of parisian life.  For most people, this is enough.  After a few days, three months, a year, and sometimes two, they leave convinced.

However, no, in the realm of actual romance, Paris is a city full of miserable people.  (Female) singletons past the age of 25 are assumed to be fundamentally flawed in some way.  Parisian women are constantly suspicious of their men’s behavior, and parisian men constantly complain about their cold, nagging women.

***Disclaimer, I am obviously making gross generalizations about the parisian scene.  I recognize this, and I am okay with this.  Deal with it ***

From my observations and from what my French friends have told me, most parisian couples have more or less followed the same trajectory in order to arrive in their committed relationships.

In their high school and/or college years, they ran around with the same group of friends.  Eventually, people within these groups begin to pair off into couples.  By their mid-twenties, they are in committed relationships or even marriages with these people.

In other words, people here don’t date.  They don’t have a word for a date.  Or dating.  One minute, they are having rendez-vous with someone, and the next minute, they are an item.  There is nothing in between.  There is no trial period.  No buts, no cuts, no takebacksies.

And since they paired off so young, and since they didn’t have much “dating” (in the anglophone sense of the word) experience, it is not long after this point that eyes begin to wander.  The men cheat every chance they get.  The women let it slide as long as they don’t know.  This continues indefinitely, through marriage, through divorce, through another marriage….

Not very romantic, no?

I started my blog partly as a form of therapy to ward off bitterness and possible homicidal tendencies, and partly as an attempt to spread the word that romance in Paris may indeed be a myth — a myth created by transients who never stayed long enough to know any better and by the miserable stayers who wove lies in order to make themselves feel better about being stuck here.

I’ve been in Paris for five years, and since coming here, my romantic encounters have featured:

- exotification and unacknowledged racism

- some alarmingly unprogressive views about women and femininity

- harassment and physical assault in the street that goes well beyond catcalls

- shocking disregard for principles that I value: fidelity, honesty, maturity and general respect

It’s okay.  I suppose that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.

The French are unequaled in their ability to make crusty bread and croissants that will melt in your mouth.

But I can tell you right now that you’d be hard-pressed to find a decent carrot cake in this city.

And don’t even get me started on the burger situation here.

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Check out Helene’s blog ‘Man-shopping in Paris‘ and follow her on Twitter @man_shopper

Tags: Anniversary, Bloggers, Paris

Over the past week or so quite a few of my Twitter friends have been asking me about Older Guy. I guess it’s to be expected. I hyped him up so much in the beginning that it’s only natural people are going to be curious now. Well, if I’m totally honest, there hasn’t been any developments since I wrote ‘Confused? Moi?’ a couple of weeks ago. The only thing that has changed since then is that I’m a lot less confused now. Now I know for sure that whilst he is a lovely guy, this thing with O.G. really isn’t going anywhere.

Despite him suggesting we don’t date other people, fireworks are still nowhere to be seen. We’ve gone out twice in the past fortnight and not once was the subject of our dating situation brought up. He’s still reserved (shy maybe?) and not at all the affectionate type I’m used to. There still hasn’t been any exciting,  flirty late night conversations or text messages and the only time we speak on the phone is to arrange our next meeting. A friend I spoke to recently made a very good point; she told me “exclusive dating should be happening between two people who communicate at least every day or two and who get together at least a couple of times a week”.

And its not like I haven’t tried to give it a chance. He’s a nice guy and there were things I liked about him (he’s older, he’s thoughtful, he’s got his shit together etc) so I didn’t want to be too hasty because I’ve had the excitement and the fireworks with guys in the past and none of those stories have ended well. But after nearly two months of dating and no improvement, it’s time for me to admit that O.G is not going to be ‘the one’.

Thing is, I need to tell him this and I’m dreading it. A male friend of mine reminded me “He’s not your man, you’re only dating. You’re not in a committed relationship with the guy”. That’s true, but I did agree to date him exclusively so that’s a ‘sort of relationship’, isn’t it? I owe it to him to tell him something. I’m still trying to figure out what to say…

“I’m happy to hang out with you from time to time but I think we should go back to dating other people…”

“I don’t think its working, it’s been over two weeks since we agreed to date exclusively but it’s all so ‘meh’…”

“Dude. Let’s get real, we are just not that into eachother…”

I can’t imagine any of this being a huge surprise to him. I’ve not called him since the last time we went out but, he’s not calling me either. Surely he must feel the same? Surely he must feel that things aren’t amazing between us? The whole ‘fairytale and fireworks’ scenario tends to be more of a female thing, but men feel it too, right?

No romantic chemistry and definitely no fireworks. If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. I can’t force something that’s not there. That wouldn’t be fair to me… or to him.

Tags: General Dating, Relationships